In what exactly I didn’t know yet. I just had to do something now. It has to be something I can do after the kids are in bed, and the in between times during the day.
My first choice is knitting. I can carry it with me everywhere, it requires very little clean up, its quality is not dependent on expensive equipment, and there are many ways to pass on the end product. So it begins. I have given myself 36 weeks to complete 6 projects. If I can accomplish that, I feel I will have committed myself finally to something creative.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The Idea
Now with my oldest in Kindergarten, and a two year I begin to wonder what I’ll do when they are both in school. That’s only three years from now. But I won’t be going back to engineering. I don’t even know if I could now without going back to school. Well I’ll have to go back to school no matter what I choose, but engineering would probably require another 3 years as a full time student at least. I want to grab the opportunities I passed up in school. I need to create.
The problem is I was finding too many opportunities. I was lost again. Do I take a more traditional approach back to school and find employment? Do I start my own business? And what in? Clothes? Crafts? Which only led me to one conclusion. The first thing I need is focus.
One day I was walking with my youngest around this downtown area I love. Full of boutiques, but not too snooty that you feel out of place wandering in and out with a two year old. Mostly filled with local handmade items, a recycled bookstore, a couple coffee shops, and good restaurants. On the next street over is the library, a historic home, and a large grass area. This is where my two year old and I were playing when I looked up and saw it. An adorable corner space available for rent. It was a studio, nothing much in it, but I couldn’t help but see the possibilities.
Most of the time that’s all I want. A space of my own to work, away from the house. One I don’t have to put away projects, but can be kept clean easily. Not an office in which I am employed, but one in which I am the employer. It can also be used for MNO. Maybe even rented out for MNO. I could have craft nights with friends. Or just a place to watch movies, talk, drink, and eat. Someplace to clear my mind so I can focus on what I really want to do. That’s when I knew exactly what my focus should be.
My first goal is to sell my handmade items for enough to rent my own studio.
The problem is I was finding too many opportunities. I was lost again. Do I take a more traditional approach back to school and find employment? Do I start my own business? And what in? Clothes? Crafts? Which only led me to one conclusion. The first thing I need is focus.
One day I was walking with my youngest around this downtown area I love. Full of boutiques, but not too snooty that you feel out of place wandering in and out with a two year old. Mostly filled with local handmade items, a recycled bookstore, a couple coffee shops, and good restaurants. On the next street over is the library, a historic home, and a large grass area. This is where my two year old and I were playing when I looked up and saw it. An adorable corner space available for rent. It was a studio, nothing much in it, but I couldn’t help but see the possibilities.
Most of the time that’s all I want. A space of my own to work, away from the house. One I don’t have to put away projects, but can be kept clean easily. Not an office in which I am employed, but one in which I am the employer. It can also be used for MNO. Maybe even rented out for MNO. I could have craft nights with friends. Or just a place to watch movies, talk, drink, and eat. Someplace to clear my mind so I can focus on what I really want to do. That’s when I knew exactly what my focus should be.
My first goal is to sell my handmade items for enough to rent my own studio.
The Beginning and End of a Career
After college my jobs began to only strengthen that I didn’t belong. Again when I was done with my job, I ran. When I had a break in the work day, the last thing I wanted to do was talk about tech or the engineering field. I found myself alone with a book for lunch everyday. I tried to go to lunch with everyone, but I had nothing to add to the conversations and they had no interest in the subjects I brought up.
I had an unfortunate nasty first boss, but good co-workers. I was laid off after 18 months on the job. On my birthday actually. My second job was almost just an extension of the first. After I was laid off, it seemed to set off a domino effect. 80% of everyone I worked with left. Half of them started their own company, and I was employee #9. We started off working out of Rockwell, then moved to our own building with its own fab and lab that we built from scratch. There were two test engineers, me and someone much more qualified (finishing his PhD from Berkeley). That meant I would be doing a little more grunt work. I learned to drive a fork lift, and actually drove our first piece of test equipment off the truck and into our lab. Sooo much fun. If you ever get the opportunity I highly recommend working for a start up. But like most companies working of VC in 2001, we were shut down that fall.
The third and (so far) final job took 6 months to find. It moved us back to Santa Clara. It was a good job. Again I found myself spending most lunches alone. After working there a little over a year, Toby and I decided to start trying for children. At the 18 month mark, I was pregnant. If I didn’t stick out before, try running a meeting for 18 men when you are the only woman 8 months pregnant. I had to stand at a funny angle so my belly wouldn’t block the projector. After working there for 2 and a half years I became a working mother. I tried working from home half the week, and in the office the other half. I stuck with breast feeding, finding pumping at work how I would spend most of my breaks. After 8 months of it, they told me they wanted me back in the office full time, and wanted to promote me to head a project. Decision time.
I knew taking this on meant 60 hour weeks, full time day care or nanny, and stress both at home and work. It was so easy, I think I knew the answer even before I went over the pros and cons list. I was done. I didn’t love this job, most of the time I didn’t even like it. The best I could say about it is “I didn’t hate it”. Did I really want to push myself that hard for something I didn’t hate? No. So I quit. It took one week to make the decision, and 20 minutes on the phone with a friend before going in to tell my boss. They offered financial incentive in the form of paying for day care to get me to stay, but I knew there wasn’t much else they could give me that would make me stay.
When I have a bad week at home; the house was never clean, the kids were out of control, and I spoke to my husband a total of 20 minutes that week, I will often think about that day. But so far nothing has made me truly regret it.
Thus ended my first career....
I had an unfortunate nasty first boss, but good co-workers. I was laid off after 18 months on the job. On my birthday actually. My second job was almost just an extension of the first. After I was laid off, it seemed to set off a domino effect. 80% of everyone I worked with left. Half of them started their own company, and I was employee #9. We started off working out of Rockwell, then moved to our own building with its own fab and lab that we built from scratch. There were two test engineers, me and someone much more qualified (finishing his PhD from Berkeley). That meant I would be doing a little more grunt work. I learned to drive a fork lift, and actually drove our first piece of test equipment off the truck and into our lab. Sooo much fun. If you ever get the opportunity I highly recommend working for a start up. But like most companies working of VC in 2001, we were shut down that fall.
The third and (so far) final job took 6 months to find. It moved us back to Santa Clara. It was a good job. Again I found myself spending most lunches alone. After working there a little over a year, Toby and I decided to start trying for children. At the 18 month mark, I was pregnant. If I didn’t stick out before, try running a meeting for 18 men when you are the only woman 8 months pregnant. I had to stand at a funny angle so my belly wouldn’t block the projector. After working there for 2 and a half years I became a working mother. I tried working from home half the week, and in the office the other half. I stuck with breast feeding, finding pumping at work how I would spend most of my breaks. After 8 months of it, they told me they wanted me back in the office full time, and wanted to promote me to head a project. Decision time.
I knew taking this on meant 60 hour weeks, full time day care or nanny, and stress both at home and work. It was so easy, I think I knew the answer even before I went over the pros and cons list. I was done. I didn’t love this job, most of the time I didn’t even like it. The best I could say about it is “I didn’t hate it”. Did I really want to push myself that hard for something I didn’t hate? No. So I quit. It took one week to make the decision, and 20 minutes on the phone with a friend before going in to tell my boss. They offered financial incentive in the form of paying for day care to get me to stay, but I knew there wasn’t much else they could give me that would make me stay.
When I have a bad week at home; the house was never clean, the kids were out of control, and I spoke to my husband a total of 20 minutes that week, I will often think about that day. But so far nothing has made me truly regret it.
Thus ended my first career....
The Tangent
I think for as long as I could remember I wanted to be an artist, but what my 7 year old mind meant to ask for is to have a creative career. For the next 20 years it went through many manifestations due to lack of guidance. In the early years I could draw, paint, and write so I wanted to be a cartoonist, a painter, and a writer. Then I discovered my ability to create with textiles, sewing and knitting. Therefore my early teenage years were devoted to my want to become a fashion designer. Just before high school I discovered drafting and computer graphics (which was so long ago I believe the computer I worked on is now in the Smithsonian). I loved the math of it, and the logic. But back then I had no connections to tell me there was actually a job in computer graphics. E-mail, websites, and the internet were fairytales in my world.
I did not have the encouragement to follow my creative flow. I was told I needed a job that would make money, something practical, then I could pursue something in the arts. I do not blame my parents, they were of a different generation, and was unaware of what was emerging. I chose engineering. It was practical, I could make money with a bachelor’s degree, and it allowed for some creativity. Besides I loved logic and math, and I was good in both.
Once I entered college I should have taken a more active role in my education. Instead I followed the path laid out for me. I should have pushed for the extra time to take art classes, but money was short which meant so was time. The more quarters in college the more money it would take. I should have been strong enough to realize something was wrong when I would run from the lab as soon as my work was done, and all the other students would linger to have further discussions. They were much more into engineering than I would ever be, but I convinced myself that was fine. I would just be a different engineer.
I LOVED learning, correction, I LOVE learning. I discovered that in college. If I fully understood one new concept from a class I felt thrilled. For the first time my final grade did not determine how I felt about a class. Sure I’m not going to be able to convince others of that, but I came away a stronger student than when I went in. A very expensive way to become a good student. Most of the classes I took as an engineer were fascinating, and I would not have been allowed to take them if I was not an engineer major. I could take art and literature, but engineering were impacted and you were not able to enroll if that wasn’t your major. So I am thankful I chose engineering for that.
I did not have the encouragement to follow my creative flow. I was told I needed a job that would make money, something practical, then I could pursue something in the arts. I do not blame my parents, they were of a different generation, and was unaware of what was emerging. I chose engineering. It was practical, I could make money with a bachelor’s degree, and it allowed for some creativity. Besides I loved logic and math, and I was good in both.
Once I entered college I should have taken a more active role in my education. Instead I followed the path laid out for me. I should have pushed for the extra time to take art classes, but money was short which meant so was time. The more quarters in college the more money it would take. I should have been strong enough to realize something was wrong when I would run from the lab as soon as my work was done, and all the other students would linger to have further discussions. They were much more into engineering than I would ever be, but I convinced myself that was fine. I would just be a different engineer.
I LOVED learning, correction, I LOVE learning. I discovered that in college. If I fully understood one new concept from a class I felt thrilled. For the first time my final grade did not determine how I felt about a class. Sure I’m not going to be able to convince others of that, but I came away a stronger student than when I went in. A very expensive way to become a good student. Most of the classes I took as an engineer were fascinating, and I would not have been allowed to take them if I was not an engineer major. I could take art and literature, but engineering were impacted and you were not able to enroll if that wasn’t your major. So I am thankful I chose engineering for that.
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